Duck and Cover: The Art of Appropriation

First of all, if in the past day or so you've grown bored with what you're reading on this blog and your eyes have wandered over to the right margin of the page, you may have noticed an advertisement for the "Just Coffee Cooperative," a caffeinated beverage concern located in a place called Madison, WI. It order to sate the ravenous appetite of my ever-increasing menagerie of animals (which at this point includes a helper monkey named Vito, an ostrich named Telemachus, and now, thanks to this "urban beekeeping" trend, a hive of full of bees), it has become increasingly necessary for me to take on sponsorship, hence the new ad. While I'm not sure how many "Japanese slow-drippers" the good people at Just Coffee have, if this information is important to you I'm sure they would be happy to tell you, and I encourage you to "hit them up" for all your hot brown water-related needs. Also, as you can see, simply entering the coupon code "BSNYC" will get you 10% off your order, which is a much better deal than you'll get over at the "secret website," where entering the same code will result in a 25% surcharge. So welcome, Just Coffee, to the BSNYC/RTMS Pantheon of Sponsors (or "POS").

Speaking of animals and their delightful behavior, in yesterday's post I mentioned that I attended a pretty "tight" (as in watertight) ducking session in Prospect Park. Well, I'm pleased to report that "freestyle ducking" is progressing even faster than fixed-gear freestyling, for a mere 24 hours later the very same crew managed to land a "triple duck wheelie:"

Talk about having your all your ducks in a row! Before yesterday, this was a trick most ducks thought was impossible, so you can bet there will be a lot of crowing (or, more accurately, quacking) about this on the various Anatidae forums. By the way, yesterday streetwear enthusiast and fixed-gear freestyle impresario Prolly quibbled over my use of the word "wheelie," saying that it only applies when you pedal and that the proper term is "manual." Well, I insist that this is a wheelie--non only because it sounds better, but also because their little webbed feeties are moving:

At any rate, I plan to enjoy the scene while it's still pure, because it's only a matter of time before it becomes overrun by "fakenducks" and loses its integrity. I already noticed some geese and seagulls standing around and watching a little too intently, and any day now they're going to appropriate the whole duck look by putting these things on:

And it's not just the waterfowl who are getting "hip" to the whole duck thing, either. I even noticed a few dogs doing a double-take:

In the wild kingdom, once the domesticated, pampered "woosie" mammals like dogs and cats start picking up on your subculture then it officially loses all "street cred" (or "wilderness cred") and that's the end. If I were "down" with the duck crew, I'd advise them to put a bunch of these things out and then move to another "spot" immediately:

Sure, it may seem far-fetched now, but lumberjacking has already "jumped the shark" thanks to all those "fakerjacks." In fact, a reader recently forwarded me a total "fakerjack" axe:

Notice it's a "limited numbered edition" in a special Canadian colourway, and it costs a whopping $500:

Like, who's gonna chop wood with that? By the way, I'm assuming that price is in Canadian dollars (yes, the Canadians even have their own special dollars), so while it may not seem that expensive for a good quality tool, keep in mind that $500CAD is almost $500 in the American currencyway! They even call it an "axe," which is highly pretentious, since all the hardcore 'jacks spell it "ax." I suppose next we're going to see all kinds of "collabo" axes, and next thing you know you'll be able to buy them in Urban Outfitters next to the flannels.

So now that the lumberjack scene has already fallen to cries of "Timber!," and the duck scene is currently staring down the twin barrels of a 12-gauge, whither the fixed-gear trend? Sadly, a reader informs me it's so over that "fixies" are now being used as props in irreverent car races:

The above Volkswagen, evidently piloted by the "Emo Fixie Poets," is competing in something called the "24 Hours of LeMons," a race in which each car must cost no more than $500:

To me, this would appear to be in violation of the rules, since even in today's depressed post-collape "fixedconomy" a slightly "tarckified" Langster would surely fetch at least a few hundred dollars. If we consider both the roof rack and the "fixie" to be a part of the car (the rack may be all that's keeping the roof on, and the "fixie" itself could be construed as a very poorly-placed wheelie bar), then the "Emo Fixie Poets" are almost certainly in excess of the $500 (or one "fakerjack" axe) rule. And even if they're not, the fact that "fixies"--once the vehicles of choice for ironic bicycle races--are now simply props for ironic car races is yet another detail in the fixed-gear scene's increasingly long obituary.

But what if, like the aging "hipsters" buying into the "Save The Track Bike!" campaign, you're simply unwilling or unable to relinquish the glory days of the fixed-gear scene? Well, either you can fit a Flux Capacitor (or "Fixed Capacitor") to your DeLorean and go back in time--or, failing that, you can go to Moscow, which at least in fixed-gear terms appears to be pretty much the same thing:

("In Russia, bars tape you.")

The reader who forwarded me the above link assures me that the fixed-gear scene in Moscow is "flourishing," which means that traveling to Russia may be your very last chance to experience what it was like in the days when fixed-gears were "cool"--sort of the equivalent of milking a few more gigs out of your increasingly lame rock band by touring Japan. Keep in mind, though, that the scene in Moscow is not entirely analogous to what we experienced here. Obviously, the Muscovites incorporate their own special "twists," like the riverboat captain bowtie and the equestrian helmet. Also, be sure not to run afoul of your new friends by inadvertently spoiling the endings of popular movies; in addition to fixed-gears, it looks like they also just got "Ghostbusters:"

"Avatar" is going to completely blow their minds--in 2025.

If a trip to Moscow is not for you, then you can always just let go of the past and embrace the future instead. One good way to do this is to explore the fascinating and pointless world of "concept bikes." As I mentioned not too long ago, most designers of concept bikes share in common a sinister desire to eliminate hubs and spokes from the bicycle wheel. However, this is not true of all designers; some simply prefer to arrive at the futuristic look through judicious use of wheel covers:

The above bicycle was forwarded to me by a reader, and it is noteworthy because, besides being a rip-off of the Lone Wolf's ultra-aero watertree hillstalker, it also has "wireless brakes." This seems like an exceedingly bad idea. Phones can be wireless because when a battery or signal dies, all you lose is the schmuck on the other end; with the wireless brake setup you actually lose the ability to stop. Oddly, though, despite all this technology it still seems to employ relatively primitive adjustable quill stem cockpit technology.

Even a Muscovite would find this dated.

Posted in: fixed-gear