BSNYC Friday Flugelhorn Lesson!

In addition to being Classics season, it's also "Classics bike porn" season. Indeed, people who drink Belgian beer and put "embro" (not "embryo") on their legs love to look at "Classics bike porn," and while you might think it's just like regular "bike porn" only with more pubic hair, it's actually pictures of the bicycles the professionals are using in their respective Classics campaigns. To feed this insatiable appetite, most professional cycling websites are featuring galleries of bicycles featuring futuristic technology like "aluminum rims" and "reasonable spoke counts." Some of these bicycles even have "ample tire clearance," which is the "bike porn" equivalent of an unruly bush. On top of this, it's also Sea Otter time, so the baggy-shorts-and-hairy-calves set is also salivating to images of white riser handlebars and suspension technology that will look great hanging from their trunk racks. If you turn down your phonograph player, close your eyes and listen, you just might be able to hear the sound of the entire cycling world collectively "foffing off."

Decidedly less salacious is the world of department store bicycles. You may recall that not too long ago I took a look at the new Mongoose Cachet now being sold at Walmart. Well, I was interested to see that Urban Velo also got their crotches on one, and here's what they had to say:

Both Urban Velo and I expressed hope that the Cachet would make the world of cycling a bit more accessible, but Urban Velo seems a bit more optimistic than I am as to whether this bicycle can actually support that hope. Of course, it could be that Urban Velo simply received a better specimen than I did, but then again theirs was technically unrideable since it arrived with the wrong seatpost:

As far as I know, these are the only two reviews of this bicycle so far, and the fact that both of us received bicycles that were borderline unusable is not a good sign. Urban Velo also points out that "shop quality bikes routinely arrive with incorrect parts," but between their seatpost issue and my stripped brake and mangled headset it seems like so far the Cachet is "incorrect" 100% of the time.

I will of course withhold judgment until my ironic intern completes his list of tasks and weighs in with his youthful opinion, but the Cachet does make me wonder where the line between "accessibility" and "disservice to consumers" lies. Once commenter on my review in particular made an interesting observation:

I realize there are not Wal-marts everywhere in NYC. Many of you probably do not have extended experience with Wal-Mart. I am here to inform you of one thing you may not realize about Wal-Mart. Their return policy is almost ridiculous. On almost all non electronic items there is a 90 day money back guarantee for almost any reason. They are extremely lenient on this policy too. I assure you, one could go buy this bike, ride it for 89 days and bring it back and say I want to return it. You could even say I am broke and need money to go buy some Wednesday Weed, so take it back. No question whatsoever, you would get your money back. Even if you do not have a receipt, they would give you your money back on a gift card and you could use it to buy whatever you want. I have seen items that even said K-mart right on the product that they took back.

While in one sense Walmart's "good faith" may seem commendable, in another sense it's a disturbing window into their business practice. I guess this means that their sales volume is so high that they can throw a bunch of crap at the marketplace and see what sticks. Even if a significant percentage of these Cachets (or really anything they sell) are "incorrect" and consequently returned then the endeavor will still be profitable--possibly even more so than if they sold a slightly better product for slightly more money. As far as the latter scenario goes, the fact is there are more specialized companies that do take this approach to selling inexpensive bicycles (available to anybody with Internet access), and my impression at this point is that it, and not Walmart's "if it sticks" method, is the future of increased cycling "accessibility."

In any case, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see someone keeping it real (on his fixie wheel).

Thanks very much for reading and ride safe. Also, remember that cycling is like the fly on your pants: it is possible to have both quality and easy access.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) CNN's Larry King, who has censored many an image on this site, may have cheated on his wife with:

--His assistant
--His sister-in-law

--Christiane Amanpour

--Wolf Blitzer

2) White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs is looking for help with his:

--Shifting

--Climbing

--Clipless pedals
--Crotchal region





3) Mountain bike component groups are now called:

--Clans
--Families
--Cliques
--Posses






4) Apparently, straps are the way of the future.

--True
--False





5) Act now! This Colnago Ferrari bicycle is only:

--$4,999.00

--$9,444.00

--$19,999.00

--$49,999.00

6) What can cause "propulsion?"

--Jets

--Milk

--God

--"Full Gas"

("Is this where the milk goes in?")

7) Which of the following is lighter than milk?

--The Cervelo "Project California"

--The Specialized Tarmac SL3

--The Trek Madone 6 Series

--Cream

***Special Fill-In-The-Knuckle-Tattoo-Blank-Themed Bonus Question***

Fill in the knuckle tattoo blank: "I♥MY ____"

--BIKE

--MILK

--'BENT

--BEARD