BSNYC Funday Fry Quiz!

Firstly, you may recall that awhile back I agreed to serve as a juror for the Transportation Alternatives "Biking Rules!" PSA contest. Well, this Tuesday, November 17th, the winners of this contest will be announced at the "Biking Rules Festival" at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. As a juror, I am entitled to one single complimentary ticket to this event, but unfortunately I am unable to attend due to [insert excuse here]. So, rather than let this ticket lie fallow, I'm instead going to give it away. (The ticket has now been claimed, but feel free to email and call me a schmuck anyway.) If you live in the New York City area (or you'll be there on the 17th), have nothing better to do, and want to go in my stead, simply email me using the subject line "Gimme Your Ticket, Schmuck" and answer the following cycling-themed trivia question: "Which European country hosts the Tour de France?" (Hint: it's France.) The first person to email me with the correct answer gets the ticket, and while I can't tell you to harass, pester, or otherwise molest the TA people I secretly hope you will and I will also happily post any pictures you take while doing so. Also, if you don't win the ticket and want to actually pay to go, you can buy tickets here.

Moving on, around the time The Flaming Lips were casting about for naked hipsters, actor Jared Leto was also tapping the Los Angeles "Midnight Ridazz" for people to be in a video for his band, 30 Seconds to Mars. Well, this is truly a banner week for bicycle-themed music videos, for a number of people have informed me that this video has also just "dropped," and it probably won't surprise you to learn that it's stunningly, jaw-droppingly, pants-wettingly awful:

(Leto to director: "I think I just wet my pants.")

The awfulness of both the song and the video goes beyond the purview of a simple blog post or indeed an entire blog, and as such I'm currently applying for a grant which will allow me to study it during a proposed two-year research leave. What is immediately clear though is that the filmmakers have drawn much of their inspiration from the film "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure," which would be a good thing if this music video wasn't intended to be deadly serious. In particular, most of the imagery is taken from the crucial "post-theft basement debriefing" scene. For example, here are the townsfolk assembled at Pee-Wee's house:

And here are the "Midnight Ridazz:"


Here's Amazing Larry talking to Mario from the magic shop:


And here's Amazing Larry's doppelganger riding a tall bike:


Here's a creepy hairless man-child with a funny voice, filmed in shadow:

And here's a creepy hairless man-child with a funny voice, filmed in shadow:


Beyond this, the video also features two instances of the exuberant fixed-gear freestyle ballet-esque hipster-on-a-dais "Look at me, I'm fabulous!" back wheel spinny thing, here:

And here:


As well as a poignantly symbolic moment when a "hipster" in a gas mask gets hit by a "square" driving a sedan (which means maturity is toxic):

At which point the victim's spirit is manifest in the form of a riderless Mongolian cyclocross bike:


Amid all this, Jared Leto rides around on a "tarck" bike with a single front brake and a freewheel:

He also sings against the setting (or is rising?) sun as though his musical persona were some unctuous amalgam of all the worst characteristics of Bono:

This video is so offensive that afterwards I went back and watched The Flaming Lips video and actually liked it. Like a powerful expectorant, Leto and his band have truly managed to coax all that is slimy and mucous from deep within the alveolae of cycling and music. It may take Leto 30 seconds to get to Mars, but it only took half that time for him to get me to vomit.

Having said that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the question, think, and then click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see fixed-gear freestylers forced to confront what they really are.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, thanks for forwarding me disturbing things, and be sure to enjoy the weekend culture.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) "Finally, a music video I can get behind!" This one is called:

--All You Haters (Suck My Balls)

--(Do Not Put Anything) In My Flower Box

--My Fixie Weighs a Ton

--Hairy Vagina Ball to Heaven

2) Which is Pee-Wee Herman's LBS?

--Frank's Bikery

--Chuck's Bike-O-Rama

--Chick Corea's Bike-A-Roni

--The Pedalphile

3) How much will you pay for a pair of "Osloh bicycle jeans?"

--$129 and any semblance of "street cred"

--$219 and a case of jock itch

--$912 and a disfiguring zipper mishap

--$16 at Old Navy

4) "Premium Rush" is:

--A new Rush CD box set

--A new brand of fixed-gear-themed coffee

--An upcoming bike messenger-themed action film

--A popular new drug among Midwestern teens

5) Which "Beverly Hills 90210" castmember has optioned the film rights to a mountain biker's tragic life story?

--Jason Priestley

--Luke Perry

--Tori Spelling

--Jared Leto

"The Mordecai saddle will make you go as fast as a hawk and give you a more comfortable ride, almost like you are flying."

6) Who sells this Regal knockoff?

--Nashbar

--All-City

--Leader Bike

--SOMA Fabrications

7) Where was this freak bike spotted?

--Boston, MA

--Portland, OR

--New York, NY

--Jared Leto

***Special Jared Leto-Themed Bonus Question***

Jared Leto.

--True

--False

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