BSNYC Friday Foot Quiz! (And Away-Going Announcement)

Monday, September 19th is a very special day. Why? Because that will be the date of my next blog post!

Yes, that's right, circumstances require that as of today I take temporary leave of this blog until Monday, September 19th, at which point I will return with regular updates. This leave has been in the offing for quite some time, so don't act all surprised about it, even though I haven't mentioned a thing about it on this blog until just now. Also, I won't bore you with what I'll be doing during my leave, though I can confirm that I will not be doing any of the following:

--Going to Interbike

--Going to Eurobike

--Going to the Vuelta a España

--Going to Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp™

--Getting an adult Bar Mitzvah

In my absence, I suggest that you follow my Twittering account just in case I have important news to relate, such as my consumption and enjoyment of a particularly tasty brand of corn chip that I think you might also like to try. (Where's that check, Doritos people?) And speaking of Twitter, a fellow Tweeterer recently alerted me to the existence of this:

It would appear that someone is trying to achieve a sort of arch McSweeney's-meets-Cycle-Chic effect by combining photos of models on bicycles with prose like this:

When piloting your velocipede it is imperative that you consider prudence, modesty, and decorum at all times, lest you be sanctioned by local law-keepers for improper attire. For, you see, high moral conduct is the chief concern of our metropolitan constabulary, and young women on bicycles must bear in mind the moral weakness of pedestrians as they navigate our sin-besotted conurbation.



In other words, don't ride with your ass crack showing.

As for the so-called "Brooklyn Magazine" itself, I had never come across it before, but the following video they've produced is a pretty good summation of the current state of affairs:

Brooklyn Magazine Promo from Louis Gruber on Vimeo.

Yes, Brooklyn does have many faces, and they make you want to grab them by their patterned scarves and shout horrible, horrible things into them.

In any event, pending my return, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll feel inexplicably tingly, and if you're wrong you'll hear a song.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and I look forward to "seeing" you when I return on September 19th.

--Wildcat Rocking Chair

(You can't tell from the picture, but it's pretty wild.)

1) The speed at which a retrogrouch goes "Woo hoo!" is:

--46mph

--46kph

--27mph

--16rph (rods per hourglass)

(Off to a foffing good start.)

2) There is only one Dmitry Fofonov.



--True

--False

“But with the miles, the pain from the hole in my perineum got stronger."

3) Who said this?

--Jens Voigt

--Tom Boonen

--Mario Cipollini

--Walt Whitman

4) This $5,500 titanium and belt-driven commuter:

--"Checks every box"

--"Hits every mark"

--"Touches every base"

--"Strokes every member"

(Officer Pogan was just trying to be friendly on the NYPD's annual "Hug A Cyclist" day.)

5) Do police officers hate cyclists?

--Yes

--No

--"No" (meaning yes)

--"Yes" (meaning no)

6) To this day, nothing gets attention in Williamsburg like a nice set of:

--"Fixie tats"

--"Foxy tits"

--"Fixative"

--"Tater tots"

7) Hooray! It's ________:

--Duck season!

--Wabbit season!

--Duck season!

--Bird-swooping season!

***Special Health-Themed Bonus Question!***

In addition to exposing the dangers of excessive groin and ass use, this graphic also quantifies the importance of:

--Helmets

--Helments

--Both helmets and helments

--Neither helmets nor helments

Read more »

BSNYC Friday Awkward Encounter With Someone Whose Name You Forgot!

This week has been a tremendously exciting one, at least in terms of packages that have been delivered to me.

Probably the most exciting package was the one that came yesterday afternoon. As I peered out my front door expectantly, I heard the sound of the elevator arriving, at which point a large box flew out of it as though the elevator were bulimic and had regurgitated it. Soon though it was followed by a man in brown, who continued to roll the thing down the hall end over end. Inside the box was one (1) Ritte van Vlaanderen bicycle:



So you want specs? Here are the specs:

Frame--yes

Shifter thingys--also yes

Frame material--bamboo beneath a metal veneer

Wheels--round

Owner--delighted

Sorry to lapse into bicycle jargon, but I'm sure you "tech heads" will feel the lateral stiffness and vertical compliance of what I just laid down.

Anyway, it is a testament to Ritte's framebuilding prowess and bicycle packing expertise that, despite such molestation, the machine emerged totally unscathed. As of today I have only managed one (1) brief ride on it which was snuffed out quickly by a thunderstorm, but so far my first impression is that it is exactly like my old road bike, except that it is attractive instead of ugly, and it rides way better. I do have one quibble, though, which is that having such a nice bike makes me feel like even more of a schlub than I usually do, though I suppose that might have something to do with my riding attire:

I may have to take advantage of the Rapha "Summer Sale."



Speaking of self-indulgence, I was reading the latest Bruce Weber tour report in the New York Times when I noticed an interesting reader comment:





This comment was as follows:



I agree with an earlier post that this project reeks of self-indulgence and entitlement. The multi-thousand dollar custom bike; the motel stays....

It just dawned on me that bicycling across the country could be added to "Stuff White People Like".

First of all, of course it's self-indulgent. It's a vacation. He's supposed to be indulging himself. Only pretentious minimalists take vacations based around self-deprivation. Secondly, has this person not noticed that 75% of the New York Times is dedicated to self-indulgence? Does he think the "Home & Garden," "Fashion & Style," and "Travel" sections exist to report hard news? Most vexingly, though, since when are "motel stays" the measure of "self-indulgence and entitlement?" I know the economy is collapsing, but I still don't think a night in a Motel 6 is up there with a stay at the Ritz-Carlton, even if you do spend a few quarters on the vibrating bed.



In any case, the Ritte bike wasn't the only exciting package I received; I also received a box full of Knog products--and, unlike the bike, I intend to give all this stuff away:

This box contains all manner of Knoginess, including the so-called "wearable Boomer:"





Not only can you use the clippy thing to clip it to stuff, but you can also use the Power of Magnets to fasten it to places on your bag or wardrobe where a clippy thing cannot find purchase. For example, here it is on the front of my pants:

And here it is mounted on the inside of the front of my pants, so that you can see how it works:



...and a soothing red light did fill my nether regions.*



Also in the box are some "rechargeable Boomers:"



All you have to do is plug them into your USB port, which is especially useful if you work in one of those futuristic offices where they make you use a "computer." Just imagine reading this blog and knowing that your light is charging for the ride home at the same time. Truly amazing. If only it could also draw power from your nether regions...

But wait, there's more! "Frog Strobes:"

Short-sleeved torso covers with designs and slogans that don't really mean anything on them:





Visored head covers:







And even a bag for your futuristic "computer:"

(Disembodied feet not included.)

My first impulse was to dispense these items in some sort of contest, but then I realized that would involve packing stuff, and mailing stuff, and other unsavory tasks. So instead, I will dispense this stuff in person in sort of a "Surprise Cat 6 Freebie Extravaganza." This will involve appearing at an undisclosed location at an undisclosed time and simply giving the stuff away to bike commuters, and the undisclosed location and time are as follows:

Where: Brooklyn side of the Manhattan Bridge

When: Tuesday August 23rd, between 5:00 and 6:00PM

This could change if the weather is abjectly horrible or if I decide to simply sell the stuff on Craigslist for beer money, but barring those scenarios that is the plan. I'll dispense the goods on a more-or-less first come, first serve basis, though you must--must--present this coupon in order to claim your prize:



As I said, the time and place could change, but for now that's the plan.

*(Further to Leroy's comment, don't worry, I won't be giving away the crotchally-mounted Boomer.)

And now, with all that out of the way, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right your crotch will light up, and if you're wrong you'll see the future of bicycle navigation.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride happy.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

("You're exactly as tall as one (1) Thomas Voeckler.")

1) Thomas "Valise of Perspicacity" Voeckler recently lost a race against:

--A runner

--A car

--A horse

--A motorized suitcase of courage on wheels

(Mario Cipollini invites a dinner guest to smell his fingers.)

2) Mario Cipollini's plans to compete against an Italian racehorse in a much-publicized "endowment contest" were thwarted by PETA in 2003.

--True

--False

3) Handlebar flutes are the new _______________:

--Rusty trombones

--Hot Karls

--Two-man bongs

--Handlebar oboes

4) "Bicycle Down the West Coast, Meet Women, Talk About ______________."

--Cycling

--Books you've read recently

--Crazy gold medallions

--Menstrual cups

("I'm thinking about menstrual cups.")

5) According to the Sierra Club, one "benefit" of cycling is that you could meet this guy.

--True

--False

6) David Byrne does not have a car, but he does have:

--A horse

--A walk-in humidor

--A suite of fake iPhone apps

--A jetpack

7) NAHBS founder Don Walker has been described as:

--Tempestuous

--Impetuous

--Incredulous

--A Temptress

***Special Knuckle Tattoo-Themed Bonus Question***

Complete the knuckle tattoo: "DIET ____"

--BIKE

--RIDE

--HARD

--COKE

Read more »

BSNYC Friday Failed Search For Meaning! (Now With 60% More Despair!)

Subsequent to yesterday's post, entitled "Lying Down On The Job: Wet Hot Recumbent Riders," there was a great deal of discussion regarding the complex relationship between glasses and helmet straps. Indeed, in the cycling world, the dance between accessories is a highly choreographed one, and the slightest misstep can render cycledom's self-appointed panel of judges apoplectic. It can also touch off lengthy debates--especially if helmets are in any way even remotely involved.

Another contentious subject is cycling shorts. For some, a simple pair of half shorts is sufficient. For others, nothing but bib shorts will do, and anybody who forgoes stretchy suspenders is a subject of scorn. This could be why the Wikipedia entry for cycling shorts features a model wearing bibs:



The above link was sent to me by a reader who felt compelled to bring the bib short model to my attention, and I do agree that whoever edited this particular entry made a bold choice, for he does look rather nonplussed:



I'd really like to know the backstory behind this photo. Did he pose specifically for the Wikipedia entry? Or did he have aspirations to be a Performance catalog model and this is an outtake from his portfolio? Was there a Michelangelo Antonioni's "Blow-up"-slash-Austin Powers-esque fashion photographer kneeling in front of him and shouting, "You're nonplussed! Show me nonplussed, you sexy animal!"? Or are all of these scenarios totally off, and the Wikipedia editor simply pulled the photo from the Craigslist "Casual Encounters" section? The truth is, we may never know, because I'm not about to go sifting through the "Casual Encounters" section to find out.

Either way, it's doubtful that the Wikipedia cycling short guy could ever attain the lofty heights of being an Assos model, which calls for someone who looks like he spent 17 hours lying on a tanning bed and as such can no longer move or see:

On the other hand, the female Assos models need to cover up their breasts, and so they employ the old "nuzzling a hand sandwich" trick:

There is one argument in favor of half shorts though, which is that they're slightly better for "portaging:"



The shorts above are part of the new "Primal Wear After Dark" collection.



Speaking of naughtiness, another reader alerted me to the following photo from Cyclingnews:



If you're a cycling photographer who wants to visit a Dutch sex worker but doesn't want to pay for it, I can't think of a better way of turning it into a legitimate business expense.

Lastly, on Wednesday I posted a picture of a PVC cockpit, and via the same reader comes this truly magnificent "catpit:"



Though the pussy in question does look somewhat nonplussed:



It's tough to tell from the angle whether the cat is wearing half shorts or bibs, though either way he really should be wearing a helment.



With that out of the way, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right, your life will once again have meaning and darkness will give way to light. If you're wrong, you'll look deep into the recesses of your soul and find nothing, and you'll also see a compelling documentary about cycling in the Netherlands.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and always wear your glasses under your bibs.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

("You maniacs!!!")

1) According to a Daily News editorial, the maniac's bicycle of choice is the:



--Felt

--Cannondale

--Specialized

--Serotta

("All you haters suck my diktats.")

2) According to roadie "weird style diktats," helmet straps are to be worn:



--Over your glasses

--Under your glasses

--Behind your ears

--Between your buttocks

3) After happening upon a marijuana patch while out on a Wednesday ride, a California cyclist immediately:

--Filled his panniers

--Dropped to his knees and cried, "Thank you, Jeebus!"

--Passed it over in favor of an adjacent meth lab

--Called the police

(My First Fixie™: Collect them all!)

4) Customizing your bike is "out;" customizing your u-lock is "in."

--True

--False

5) In a recent short film about Flying Pigeon bicycles, what are these?

--"Metaphorical Pigeons of Love"

--"Figurative Fowl of Romance"

--"Symbolic Columbidae of Seduction"

--Rats with wings

6) This bicycle was spotted in Portland, Or.

--True

--Duh

7) The Cervelo P3. It's not a bike. It's a _____:

--Dream

--Nightmare

--Shuddering Tri-gasm

--Wind tunnel-tested lump of Fred bait

***Special Fred Velocity Bonus Question***

In certain circumstances, 42mph is sufficient to make a Fred go "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"

--True

--False

Read more »

BSNYC Friday Second Helping of Meat Loaf!

Last the other day, I was at a bar in Manhattan. A bar is an establishment that serves alcoholic beverages--and, if you know the secret word, Fruity Pebbles, which is what I was enjoying. At the table next to me was a group of people whom I would characterize as "duders." You know the type: polo shirts, haircuts, open-handed pointing... At one point I even poked my head outside to see if they were filming a Michelob Ultra commercial down the street, because it would not have surprised me to learn that they were starring in one.

Anyway, I couldn't help overhearing their conversation (that sort of thing tends to happen when you're eavesdropping on people), and I noticed they were talking about Portland.

"Duder, have you ever been to Portland?," asked one of the duders.

"Nope."

"It. Is. Ridiculous. It's like Brooklyn times a thousand."

I couldn't help being saddened by this exchange. Sure, Portland's ridiculous, but it's quaintly ridiculous. Endearingly ridiculous. Adorably ridiculous. The kind of ridiculous that makes you want to pick it up by its ironic mullet and scratch it behind its dirty, plug-filled ears. More importantly, Portland is also our country's Great Bicycle Experiment, and therefore I feel very protective of it. It's a society based entirely on cycling and self-righteousness, and even after the bespoke bicycle industry crashes and Portland becomes a modern-day ghost town, people will surely study it for decades to come.

Equally irritating was the comparison to Brooklyn. I suppose if you've only been to Williamsburg then there are some similarities, but go to Crown Heights and then tell me Portland is a thousand times Brooklyn. I'm pretty sure if a West Indian and a Hasidic Jew were spotted in the same place and at the same time in Portland that it would make the front page of The Oregonian.

Needless to say, this has yet to happen, so in the meantime you'll doubtless continue to see more cute, bike-related news items coming out of Stumptown, or Smugtown, or whatever they're calling themselves these days. For example, one Portland bike shop is now sponsoring a non-racing team:

Sure, plenty of bike shops sponsor non-competitive events such as charity rides, but how many of them are creating a rolling Boy Scout/Girl Scout troop?

The program isn't set up for the Ambassadors to simply ride around as usual. In exchange for these perks, Ambassadors are expected to live up to their name. Check out the list of Ambassador Commitments that come with being a member of the team:

- To stop and offer assistance to fellow cyclists.

- To follow all rules of the road and set the standard for exemplary riding behavior.

- To carry their Road-Aid kit with them on all rides.

Seriously, how cute is that? They even swear a little oath:

We are the 21 Ambassadors. We believe that riding a bicycle is more than just the sum of its parts. To ride a bicycle is to be part of a community, to share a common experience, as much as it is about good health and helping environment. This is a community that we love and support, a community that we all help to grow pedaling through the cold wet winter mornings, the long carefree summer nights and everything between. We believe that as a community we should support each other in bad times as well as good. We, the 21 Ambassadors are here to help you. When tires flat and spokes break, when chains fail and gears groan, when you need a hand we hope to be there to assist. We dream that your bike will always run flawlessly, that the world can be perfect, and yet, until all the stars align, we hope to help with what we know how to do, getting you and your bike back on the road.

That is just so a-freaking-dorable I could plotz. They're like snuggly little Guardian Angels!

Of course, it's impossible to read something like this and not take a good long look at yourself and your own record of helping people. Like any cyclist I've helped my share of fellow cyclists. However, like any cyclist I've also abandoned other cyclists to their fate--though I always had a good reason. In fact, just yesterday I was crossing a bridge, and I got stuck behind a woman who was trying to remount her bicycle and continue riding. Something was wrong with her drivetrain, and every time she started pedaling her chain would skip wildly--and it was only exacerbated by the fact that she was going uphill.

Now, ordinarily I might have helped her. However, at the top of the span was a man who was clearly her partner or spouse, and instead of returning to help her he simply stood there looking exasperated.

Sure, I could have stopped and done what her boneheaded companion would not, but to what end? Clearly this man is of reprehensible character, and she should leave him as soon as possible. In fact, this little bridge episode could be the incident that finally compels her to do just that. Were I to fix her bicycle, however, who knows how long she will continue to stay with him? By providing the assistance her partner was witholding I'd merely be prolonging the inevitable, and thus doing her an extreme disservice.

Sometimes, it's best to let nature take its course.

Speaking of helping the helpless, while enjoying some pizza recently I watched a gentleman pick up an ailing pigeon:

I'm not sure what happened to the pigeon, but perhaps it was hit by a car, for you can actually see a car in the background in the act of running the red. Also, you might notice that in the foreground is another pigeon. It's comforting to think that this gentleman is taking the wounded pigeon home, where he will rehabilitate him (and diaper him), and that the other pigeon is coming along out of concern for his wounded friend. Maybe the second pigeon is even carrying little pigeon insurance cards and will call the wounded pigeon's relatives with a little pigeon cellphone. That's what happens in Portland, anyway.

On the other hand, it's somehow less comforting to think that the pigeon will somehow wind up as pizza topping:

Either way, I'm sticking with the plain slices. Also, one thing's for sure, which is that it's hard out there for a pigeon:

That remains the greatest non-pornographic photo I've ever taken in my life.

With that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll be spared the horror, and if you're wrong you won't.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride altruistically.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

(Tour de France runner-up Andy Schelck was heavily criticized for wearing a jacket and tie during the decisive Stage 20.)

1) Andy Schleck recently claimed he is a lackluster time triallist because he subscribes to the "Slow Bike Movement."

--True

--False

2) Fill in the blank: "San Francisco loves ______."

--Biking

--Cycling

--Burritos

--Awesome!!!

3) This maneuver is called

--The "Two-man washout"
--"The "Double-Fred body sled"

--The "Jack and Jill"

--The "You take the high side, I'll take the low side"

4) Why is this disembodied hand fondling a beard?

--It is rubbing it for luck

--It is foraging for morsels of food

--It is feeding morsels of food to the beard

--It is rummaging for material suitable for booting a tire

(Best Made: When only the douchiest will do.)

5) Faux-outdoor doucherist boutique Best Made Co. is now selling extension cords.

--True

--False

("What comes after 'Premium Rush' again? Is it Plaid Rush?")

6) The forthcoming feature film "Premium Rush," a thriller about a New York City bike messenger, has run into trouble because:

--Star Joseph Gordon-Levitt was recently injured in a fixed-gear freestyling accident

--The author of a book called "The Ultimate Rush" is suing the studio for plagiarism

--The City of New York has rescinded the film's shooting permits in the wake of the recent bicycle crackdown

--Test screenings indicate less than 10% of the audience will know what a "fixie" is

(Hmmm, maybe they're not so similar after all.)

7) The protagonist of the book "Ultimate Rush" is actually a Rollerblade messenger in San Francisco.

--True
--False

***Special Entrepreneurial-Themed Bonus Question***

(Richard Branson always wears his splace helment.)

Which of the following Kickstarter projects has met its funding goals?

--"Thank You For Seeing Me," the shirt that helps you kiss drivers' asses for not killing you

--"Drawing America by Bike," the duder with the MFA who will ride around drawing stuff

--"YouTurn," the signaling glove designed by a supervillain who will ultimately destroy you

--"All You Haters Buy My Pussy," my business plan to become a cat owner

Read more »