Conspiracy Theory: "Soylent Green is Douches!"

Occasionally I receive many emails alerting me to the same item. When this occurs, the item usually falls under one of three categories: 1) A "wacky invention" (such as that bendy bike); 2) "Anti-veloism" in the media (such as the Tony Kornheiser incident); or 3) anything involving the musical oeuvre of "MC SpandX." Most recently, I've received numerous emails concerning that whole "bikes are a UN conspiracy" thing, which you've no doubt heard about by now, and which falls under "Cat 2:"

While some people respond to this and other "Cat 2" incidents of anti-veloism with indignity, the simple fact is that saying outrageous things about cycling is a proven way to get instant media attention, which is why people do it--celebrities "accidentally" expose their vaginas while exiting limousines for exactly the same reason. This is why I tend to ignore them, since if I'm going to pay attention to publicity gambits they should at least involve exposed genitals. In fact, I was going to ignore this one too, until I realized that Dan Maes may be partially right. The truth is, I'm beginning to suspect that there may indeed be a "cycling conspiracy" afoot (or awheel), though it doesn't involve the UN. (The UN is too busy with their involvement in the World Jewish Banking Conspiracy and with hiding those alien bodies in Roswell, NM to bother with petty municipal matters like bike-sharing.)

I submit as evidence this commercial for an expensive luxury condominium in Brooklyn, which airs often on local television:

The commercial features two characters: Vanessa, who insists on "high ceilings," "full service," and "amenities;" and Steven, who requires a "skyline view" he can admire with his expensive binoculars, a "quick commute," and a "fine aged cognac." (Presumably both of them require powerful air conditioning so that they can wear designer smocks and vests indoors.) Even if you don't live in New York City, you probably recognize people like Vanessa and Steven, who wear designer smocks and vests respectively, and who pay millions of dollars to live in converted warehouses. They are called "douchebags," and even their own terriers want to relieve themselves on their legs.

("I want to relieve myself right on his sockless ankles.")

I know what you're thinking: "What does this have to do with cycling?" Well, this commercial is only the tip of a vast "douche-spiracy" that now permeates nearly every aspect of consumerism--and cycling has become an integral part of it. Consider also a post from a site called "Thrillist" that was forwarded to me by a reader:


According to the so-called "Internet" (when discussing conspiracies it is essential to precede certain nouns with the phrase "so-called"), Thrillist is "a media and e-commerce company targeting young urban guys." This, of course, is thinly-veiled marketingspeak for the coveted demographic known as the "douche." Furthermore, it was founded by "Adam Rich, 30, and Ben Lerer, 28, former U Penn frat brothers." For those of you who are unfamiliar with the American educational system or who attended expensive adult daycare programs such as Bard College where things like fraternities, sports, grades, and pressure didn't exist, "former U Penn frat brothers" is a synonym for "douches:"

True to their mission statement, Thrillist covers items designed specifically for douches, such as the "burnout polo:"

If you've ever wanted a shirt that depicts "branches and birds over a writhing horde, primed to steal that housewife's TV and stereo," then this garment is for you.

In any case, the Thrillist post I received from the reader concerned Bowery Lane Bicycles, which I mentioned not too long ago. Now, I should mention that I have nothing against the Bowery Lane Bicycle, which seems like a perfectly reasonable means of conveyance for the aesthetically-minded urbanite. Rather, I was vexed by the Thrillist post about Bowery Lane Bicycles, which was so inscrutable that I can only assume it is some kind of code.

The post begins with a so-called "video," which I was unable to embed (probably due to some entirely separate media conspiracy) and which features a Bowery Lane bike called the "Unicorn." The video starts off simply enough, first explaining that the bicycle is white:

And then employing a bad pun to underscore this fact:

However, after highlighting the bicycle using captions written in ironic urban vernacular:

This image appears at :32 seconds:

What is the meaning of this juxtaposition? Perhaps it's some sort of reference I just don't get, but in the context of the contrived vernacular and the frequent repetition of the word "white" I can't help thinking it's some sort of subliminal message that only either Cornel West or Christian Lander could help me understand. Plus, the actual text of the post didn't exactly clarify things. Here is the introduction:

A hard-line philosophy can stunt growth -- just look at Mao's social-political programs, which cost China tens of millions of lives and placed the country in a hole that could only be climbed out of with...a four hour Olympic Opening Ceremony that cost the people of China even more tens of millions of dollars! Easing up their Draconian outlook without fake minorities, the crew behind Bowery Lane Bicycles, and their new Unicorn.

Not having attended a fine institute of higher learning like Bard College, I'm fully aware of my own academic limitations, so it's entirely possible I'm the only person completely confused by the whole China theme. I guess I understand the "fake minority" reference, so maybe the photo above is some sort of spoof of the Olympic opening ceremony, but I still don't know what any of this has to do with this bicycle. It also doesn't explain this line, which pops up later in the post in the context of New York City history:

Because the Dutch left when the Italians moved in, the wheels and seat adjustment’re bolted on to prevent theft...

I might be misinterpreting this, but the implication seems to be that Italians are lowly bike thieves--a notion that would make the members of the Italian-American Civil Rights League choke on their macaroni and gravy.

In any case, the only thing I'm sure about is that the post confused me, and when you don't understand something that means it's a conspiracy. As for the point of this particular "douche-spiracy," my theory is that the "Doucherati" are using the douche-tastic marketing appeal of the bicycle to galvanize "douches" all over the world, and that we will soon find ourselves under the thrall of douchedom. Our oppressors will ride designer bikes and consume artisanal everything, and the "jackbooted thugs" of this regime will be an army of "fakerjacks" and "artisanal burnouts" with great bushy beards (as forwarded by another reader):

Their weapons will be the designer axes and boutique spraypaint cans they were taught how to use at Bard:

Once the Forces of Douche have gotten everybody on bicycles, they will begin to turn our bicycles against us, at which point so-called "Hollywood" will come in and finish the job. (Hollywood is instrumental in any robust conspiracy theory.) The ultimate goal, I suspect, is to kill us all and grind us into a sort of modern-day artisanal Soilent Green-esque pâté to be served in the trendy restaurants of the super-secret City of Douche that lies beneath Williamsburg, Brooklyn. This requires mass slaughter. Thanks to the fixed-gear craze, many people are already riding around on brakeless bikes and thus primed for death, and with the upcoming feature film "Premium Rush," Hollywood is also reinforcing the popular notion that it is cool to crash. Consider this video which was probably intentionally leaked from the set:



After plowing through the rear windshield of a cab, "Premium Rush" star Joseph Gordan-Levitt declares, "This is fucking cool:"


I'm not sure why cycling is among the few human endeavors in which it is considered "cool" to screw up. Sure, everybody crashes at one time or another, but it's really nothing to gloat about, and it makes far more sense to take pride in not crashing. Gymnasts don't brag when they fall on their heads during floor routines and get a three from the Romanian judge. Pedestrians don't tell their friends, "I totally twisted my ankle stepping off that curb on the way home from the deli, it was sick." Diners don't get excited when they accidentally break a drinking glass. ("Dude, that dinner was crazy--it was like a Jewish wedding!") I wonder if Gordon-Levitt would have been similarly exuberant if he had accidentally gotten his "pants yabbies" caught in his zipper after using a public urinal.

In any case, once the world is convinced by the Forces of Douche that crashing is desirable, we will be transformed into a legion of zombies, "salmoning" to our own demise:


By the way, this is the ichthyological sub-species known as the "Fashion Salmon," identifiable by the stylish suit, impractical bag, and single-digit steering technique.

I fear we're swimming right into their hands.

Posted in: cycling