Mark Your Calendars: Thanks for the Givings

(Food styling on an "epic" scale.)

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. (He might have saved himself some time by sailing the ocean green, but it hadn't been discovered yet.) Landing on a Caribbean island called Hispaniola, he then transferred to a ship called the Mayflower which was bound for Massachusetts, then one of only 48 states in the union. (Alaska and Hawaii would not become states until the early 1500s.) After de-boating at Plymouth Rock and undergoing a full body scan (complete with invasive cavity search), he was greeted by the indigenous peoples of the land, who feted Columbus and his crew with turkey (except for the one wan, smug, vegan member of the crew with sleeve tattoos and grommets in his ears who insisted on having tofu turkey, because, you know, there's always one), and thus the holiday of Thanksgiving was born. Just as they were finishing up, however, the English army attacked. Changing his name to George Washington, Columbus soundly defeated the British, became the first President of the United States, and promptly repaid the turkey-proffering indigenous peoples who had supported him by subjugating them, stealing their land, and infecting them with smallpox, for which they were of course incredibly grateful.

Today, the Thanksgiving holiday lives on, except instead of turkey we now eat "turducken," which is a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken--or, if you're "economically challenged," a more affordable "turdog," which is simply a turkey stuffed with a dog:

This is especially affordable if you're already got a pet dog, though the cost is heavy when measured in your children's tears.

Of course, in the "bike culture," there's no surer sign of Thankgiving than "Cranksgiving," which refers to the various Thanksgiving-themed "alleycat" races held in various cities throughout the country. Generally speaking, the way these seem to work is that a bunch of Nü-Freds show up on their IROs and then embark on a scavenger hunt which involves running lights and buzzing pedestrians while they fill their Chrome bags with canned foods which they then give to the needy, after which they meet someplace for an after-party during which these "humanitarian scofflaws" get drunk, congratulate themselves for their "epic" act of charity, and compare notes on their SPD-compatible sneakers.

Now, I'm all in favor of charity--especially when it's performed by other people while I stay home and watch TV--but I can't really "get down" with the whole "Cranksgiving" thing. First of all, to me the name "Cranksgiving" implies that it's a time to be cranky, and I would have gone with the more festive-sounding "Alleyturkey," or even "Alleyturcat." (A "turcat" is like a "turdog" only with a cat, and believe me, it's just as traumatic to your children. As a child myself I used to cry and cry over my "turcat," and the sorrow continued well after Thankgiving was over. Oh how I used to sob when I'd open my leftover "turcat" sandwich in the school cafeteria...) Secondly, while riding a bicycle in the city is very often a better alternative to driving, when your goal is to collect as much food as possible to feed the hungry it seems to me that "Cranksgiving" might be the one occasion during which the "bike culture" might just suck it up, pool their money, and rent a U-Haul. I'd have to imagine that even two mildly motivated "hipsters" with a simple rental truck could easily collect at least four times as much food as an entire "Cranksgiving" alleycat--and that's including the single stick of turkey jerky collected by the guy with the "micro messenger bag" bike purse.

At the very least, they could make all these "Cranksgivings" into cargo bike hauling competitions, and the legions of the smug could show up with their Xtracycles and Big Dummys and "bake feets" or whatever those Dutch things are and show off their massive "portaging" capabilities. A Nü-Fred on an IRO with a Chrome "hipster cape" might be able to carry a few cans, but a decent cargo bike can carry at least two Nü-Freds and their IROs and their "hipster capes" full of cans. In fact, a single all-bake feets "Alleyturkey" could probably portage two or three "Cranksgiving" alleycats, which would make it the "bike culture" charity ride equivalent of a turducken.

Speaking of bake feets, these are supposedly becoming very popular among smug and wealthy New Yorkers who have the money to pay for them and the space in which to store them, and who use them to "portage" their children with last names for first names to expensive private schools. In fact, I passed one just recently, and due to my mechanical ineptitude I accidentally recorded a video of it while trying to take a still photograph:



They were moving at quite a clip, too, and the blast of smugness darn near blew the vegan casserole off my head.

Speaking of PSAs (as I was yesterday), a reader recently sent me what may very well be the worst PSA I have ever seen:



I'm a staunch advocate of responsible light usage, but if I were these people I'd extinguish all of my lights and try to slink away in shame under cover of darkness.

Of course, the opposite of the independently-produced PSA is the slick viral marketing video starring a professional athlete, like this one featuring Mark "The Man Missile" Cavendish:

"To me," says Cavendish, "Victory is about beating other people." Now, I happen to be a big Mark Cavendish fan--precisely because, unlike most cycling fans, I like riders who win bike races. However, I'm pretty sure "beating other people" is the very definition of victory, and as such it's hardly worth mentioning. It's like saying, "To me, going pee-pee is about voiding your bladder of urine." Then, to further underscore his relentless desire to win, Cavendish says, "Emotions are kind of a waste of energy." Except for that one time, of course:

He's crying like he just ate the family "turdog."

In any event, yet another sure sign of Thanksgiving is when everybody starts "dropping" their 2011 calendars, and I've been informed that the so-called "Bike Saviours" have once again produced a calendarway full of sexual ambiguity and unruly pubic thatches:

This makes a great holiday gift for the cyclist in your life who is not particular about who's touching who just as long as genitals are involved.

Or, if you're less open-minded and you only want to see fixed-gear bikes and female genitalways, you can opt for TheFixFixFix's fixie-themed sex calendar:

Remember, this is a fixed-gear calendar, so don't attempt to coast while "foffing off" or you may go over the bars.

But "urban cyclists" and the "bike culture" are not the only bicycle enthusiasts willing to pose in a suggestive and/or degrading manner. It turns out triathletes aren't exactly shy either, as evidenced by the Triathlete.com November Model Search, which was forwarded to me by a reader. Some of my favorites include this "ripped" woman hoisting her Trek over her haircut:

This woman doing something unspeakably filthy to a Cervelo:

And this woman holding a pair of fish for no discernible reason:

Maybe the fish got stuck on her fingers during the swimming leg of a triathlon, or maybe triathlons are going from "swim, bike, run" to "swim, fish, run." Frankly, given the bike-handling skills of some triathletes, this may not be a bad idea. Or, if they insist on sticking with cycling, maybe they should change it from traditional, mobile cycling to stationary, smoothie-making cycling:


Smoothie Making Bike! Fender Blender Pro! - $750 (Midtown)
Date: 2010-11-22, 3:35PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

A bike that MAKES SMOOTHIES!
Great for festivals, shows, parties, fundraisers and all types of events!
Makes blending more fun and gets everyone's attention!
Adjustable seat height and comfortable grip handle bars.
Condition: Brand new, out of the box.
Color: Blue.

Maybe next year someone will "curate" the world's first stationary "Cranksgiving."

Posted in: cycling,fixed gear