What Crackdown? Cruising for a Bruising

Yesterday, in the place in which where I live at, Lobster Nature temporarily spared us from the punishing weather we've been experiencing and instead blessed us with sunshine as well as temperatures above that at which water gets all hard and slippery and turns into that stuff you put in cocktails. So, after paying obeisance to the Almighty Lobster by smearing myself with ceremonial roe and genuflecting before my makeshift altar, I set out for a bikecycle ride. As it happens, the city was in the throes of celebrating two occasions I do not observe--Chinese New Year and the Superbowl--which meant that downtown people were parading with dragons, and in midtown tourists were walking around with green jerseys and cheese on their heads. At first I thought they all looked ridiculous, but then I realized I probably looked equally ridiculous to them--especially given the somewhat garish nature of my "kit." I suppose we all have our own idea of what constitutes "normal" flambulluence.

In any case, as far as I know, the NYPD's bicycle crackdown is still in effect:

For this reason, I've been approaching each bikecycular outing in the same way I approach cyclocross racing: slowly and cautiously, while every other rider blasts by me like I'm just another plastic stake for the course tape. Call me a "woosie" if you will, but with 19 children, a subprime mortgage with a 786% APR, and 16 months still to go until the lease on my Hummer expires, I simply cannot afford to receive a costly traffic ticket while riding. Instead, as the saying goes, I mind my Ps and Qs (the expression "Ps and Qs" comes from Medieval Latin and stands for "Penis and Quiznos")--at least until I'm outside of the city limits, at which point I exact my revenge by violating the traffic laws and terrorizing the populace of whichever municipality I'm in with impunity.

Evidently, though, I must be the brokest bikecyclist in New York City, since everyone else is practically begging to be fined. One of the most publicized aspects of the crackdown has been that the police are enforcing traffic signals in Central Park, even during car-free hours. As it happens, I was passing though the park on my way uptown, and as I waited at one red light a dentist on a Serotta (at least I'm assuming he was a dentist) blasted through the crowded crosswalk, causing a pair of European tourists to gasp and stop so abruptly that their hair gel almost continued on without them. Then, he banked right to exit the park, his bicycle shuddering and squealing ridiculously as he applied his brakes to his crabon rims. This caused him to lose traction on the wet pavement, and I thanked Lob in advance for the spectacle of $10,000 of crabon, titanium, and Lycra hitting the deck in truly idiotic fashion, but sadly Lob did not deem me worthy of this gift, and instead the dentist dabbed a foot and miraculously managed to stay upright. However, instead of being humbled, he clipped back in, blew another light, and headed off to terrorize the museum-goers and dowagers and fluffy handbag-dwelling dogs of 5th Avenue--or, more likely, to return his Serotta to the trunk rack of his BMW and drive home.

As for his appearance, he looked sort of like this:

As you may know, Assos's slogan is now "Sponsor Yourself," and I'm reasonably certain this is a euphemism for "foffing off." This is why the above model has ascended Mont Douche, only to splay himself out seductively upon an outcropping of rock before withdrawing some "embrocation" and engaging in a truly monumental wank-fest.

Of course, Serotta-palping dentists are not the only cyclists who like to engage in this sort of vain "self-sponsoring," and so-called "practical" cyclists can be just as bad. Consider people like James Huang and me, who like to boast about all the consumer goods we're able to carry on our oh-so-special cargo bikes. Sure, it feels good to haul a bunch of stuff on an expensive bicycle--until you see something like this and realize what a total "woosie" you really are:

Suddenly that "epic" Whole Foods run doesn't seem quite so impressive. Ordinarily, I might take him to task for running the red light, but in this case I think he's more than adequately protected since all those aluminum cans form a very effective crumple zone. Incidentally, I took this photograph last Friday, and just a few blocks later I encountered somebody on one of those "bake feets:"

Some people need thousands of dollars of special equipment to carry a few organic comestibles, while others just need a pair of wheels and a shoulder to carry a thousand cans. The irony of this juxtaposition can also be expressed using the "smugness quotient" formula:

In other words, carrying 20lbs of produce from the co-op on your $2,899 "bake feets" from Adeline Adeline would have a smugness quotient of 144.95 (extremely smug), while carrying 50lbs of recycling on your $25 old crappy 10 speed would yield a smugness quotient of .5 (negligibly smug). As a smugless baseline, consider that a fully-loaded stock Big Dummy has a smugness quotient of something like 10, which I would consider "moderately smug." Therefore, by assembling your own cargo bike, it's challenging but certainly not impossible to attain a smugness quotient of one (1), otherwise known as "smugness stasis." Also, there are certain intangibles when it comes to determining portaging smugness, such as whether or not there are "underlying gentrification subtexts;" whether or not the portager is "transient;" and other factors that cause people in Portland considerable angst.

Anyway, speaking of the crackdown and the apparent determination of the cyclists in New York City to be ensnared by it, last Friday, in addition to amusing smugness juxtaposition I also observed a stunning amount of ticketable behavior. Consider the rider below:

Even though this rider "shoaled" me, I felt a kinship with him, because we were both riding Scattantes. "Samesies!," I wanted to call to him flambulliently--until he ran the red light right in front of no fewer than two (2) police cars. Regardless of how you feel about the crackdown or about running lights on bicycles in general, you'd have to agree that doing so in front of two police cars in the midst of a highly-publicized crackdown on doing so is the height of stupidity. Nevertheless, I suppose the crackdown is not all it's cracked up to be, since the police didn't even look away from their coffees. Then, a few lights later, in what was almost certainly the second-most stunningly idiotic display of urban cycling I've seen so far this year, my "SISsie" (Sibling in Scat) ran another light and made a left turn directly in front of an oncoming car. This made me even more ashamed to own a Scattante than I already am, and I can assure you that the only reason I "hipster high-locked" it a little while later was that the abundance of snow left me no other choice:

Notice I have finally de-"curated" the Hold Fast straps, as in these miserable riding conditions they're about as effective as gluing a tube sock to your pedals. Thus endeth that experiment.

By the way, if you're wondering what the first-most stunningly idiotic display of urban cycling I've seen so far this year is, it was the guy salmoning through traffic yesterday on a Kona Ute with his young helmetless son on the rear deck. The smugness factor of this can be expressed thusly.

I deeply resent when people do idiotic things on bike--not because I care about their safety, but because if something were to happen and I were called as a witness then I'd have to say, "Yes, it was totally the cyclist's fault." This is not a position in which I'd like to find myself. Instead, I'm tempted to stop such cyclists and present them with ironic "awards," and by way of a statuette perhaps I'd use this broken crabon headtube which I was alerted to via the Tweeter:


While I'd fashion an award out of it, as the seller points out, "the possibilities are endless:"

You are considering a broken Felt ZC headtube....yea it was in a bad wreck as you can imagine lol...It is a cool way to see inside the frame and get an idea what carbon technology is like....Would make a cool display piece, cut it up, make carbon art out of it, use it to pick up chicks, the possibilities are endless.

-Headtube length is 14cm

Cool piece, the carbon is sharp in areas and the strands are microscopic so it's best to handle with care. Good luck, make me an offer

Naturally, it also comes with a disembodied hand:

As the seller says, not only can you use it to pick up chicks, but it's also "a cool way to see inside the frame and get an idea what carbon technology is like"--though I think I've learned all I need to know about that from the pictures.

Posted in: cycling in nyc