BSNYC Friday Gut-Busting All-You-Can-Eat Buffet!

In the past four years, New York City has added something like 250 miles of bicycle lanes. So to whom do these lanes belong? Who has "dibs?" Do they belong to the Beatiful Godzilla portaging a Marc Jacobs handbag and a Bichon Frise in her front basket? Do they belong to the Nü-Fred with a fixed-gear bicycle, a voluminous backpack, and a bewildering assortment of nylon pouches on his belt? Or do they belong to the Cat 4, rushing to get to the park so he can do the training homework his coach has just sent to him via email?

Actually, the bike lanes don't belong to any of them. That's because they belong to "TEXSGOLD," and TEXSGOLD is entitled to pre-empt you because he (or she) drives a Bentley:

Sure, it's annoying, and when my frigid ride along Manhattan's busy 6th Avenue was impeded yesterday by this vanity-plated ultra-luxury automobile the first thing I felt was indignation--especially since the driver seems to have made a point of stopping in the bike lane instead of pulling up to the empty curb. But then I stopped to think about it, and I realized that I was actually being quite arrogant. I mean, who did I think I was anyway? Sure it's a bike lane, but all I'm riding is a lousy Scattante. Meanwhile, TEXSGOLD is driving a car that costs more than my home. I can't possibly imagine the pressures of a person who works to sustain such a lavish lifestyle. In fact, when you think about it, TEXSGOLD is actually performing a public service. Many of us couldn't possibly afford such an exquisite car, but thanks to TEXSGOLD's hard work at least we have the chance to admire one up close and maybe even run right smack into its rear bumper. Maybe our heads will even burst right through the rear windshield and we'll be afforded a glimpse of that hand-stitched leather upholstery. Whether you're behind the wheel of a fine vehicle like a Bentley, or you're splayed out on the trunk with your feet still stuck to the pedals and your groin humping that seductive winged "B," your appreciation for its finery and your gratitude for its existence is the same.

So please, take our bike lanes, TEXSGOLD, and use them as your exclusive VIP loading and unloading area. In fact, take the entire city--you deserve it. I'd have actually thanked TEXSGOLD for reminding me of how the city and the world works and where I stand in it, but the car was actually empty, since TEXSGOLD was most likely lunching in the nearby McDonald's:

Sure, Manhattan is mostly just an urban theme park for the ultra-wealthy, but the McDonald's do deliver, and the delivery people ride some serious bikes.

Speaking of knowing where you stand, I was dipping my ladle in the smugness fount that is Streetsblog yesterday when I noticed a post about the following Daily News article:

As you can see, the word "pedaled" (or "pedalled" if you're from the gratuitous letter country) is misspelled, and indeed it's almost always misspelled by both the Daily News and the New York Post. I always used to just put it down to the fact that they were idiots, but at this point I'm reasonably sure they do it on purpose, like how George H.W. Bush used to call Saddam Hussein "Sodom." By writing "peddled," they subconsciously remind readers of peddlers, which in turn evokes those old pushcarts on Orchard Street, which were removed by the city because the merchants complained they were bad for business, just like the merchants are complaining now that the bike lanes are bad for business, and the upshot is nobody will mind when all these "peddlers" and their bike lanes are gone so that there's nothing between their store and TEXSGOLD except a few feet of sidewalk, which I'm sure they'll manage to get rid of too by the time the 22nd century rolls around.

Until then, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see what media insiders call a "photo op."

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and make way for TEXSGOLD.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) Mark Cavendish hopes that Riccardo Riccò, who has been hospitalized after what appears to be a botched blood doping attempt:

--"Receives a lifetime ban from the sport"

--"Has learned his lesson"

--"Starts a cycling team with Michael Ball"
--"Becomes somebody's bitch in prison"

2) Following his Clenbuterol positive, Alberto Contador has resolved to quit:

--Professional cycling

--Clenbuterol

--Meat

--Unprotected fingerbanging

3) This man used his mountain bike to defend himself against a:

--Bandit

--Leopard

--Eagle

--Hipster hellbent on gentrifying his village

4) Fill in the blanks: "When I heard that he was delivering ___ by _______, it was a short stop to me falling in love."

--Pie by bicycle

--Cheese by recumbent

--Ham by pennyfarthing

--Kittens by Segway

5) "Thunderthighs This:" According to Selle Italia, their new proprietary $630 seatpost and saddle combo can save the rider 10-15 seconds over 5km by "reducing friction between a rider’s thighs and the saddle."

--True

--False

6) Fill in the blank: "We were like, 'Hey, guy's delivering ___ on a _______ so we had to do it.'"

--Pie on a bicycle

--Cheese on a ham

--Violence on a submarine

--Weed on a Wednesday

7) This formation is called a:

--Roof loaf

--Auto hat
--Carcake
--Carpie

***Special Evolutionary Dead End-Themed Bonus Question***

This contraption is called:

--The Prone Recumbent

--The StreetFlyer

--The LandLubber Virtual SCUBAcycle

--The Human Cat Toy

(via the Tweeter)

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