"I'm Your Mama," Quoth Necessity to Invention

Since yesterday's post, I must admit that I have been troubled by the plight of the Milwaukee bicycle poloists who were zip-tied like so many hydraulic brake cables and forced to spend a grueling 11 hours in jail (or, if you're old-timey, the "jernt") for simply plying their "sport" in a city parking garage. Tossing and turning, I spent a sleepless night as I imagined them malletless and scared, forced for a stretch of time slightly longer than a typical workday to share living quarters with drug dealers, prostitutes, and other criminals it's cool and fun to interact with until that interaction is no longer voluntary. Indeed, so gripping is the tale of their imprisonment that it has spread beyond the "bike culture" and even been covered by Fox News:



Still, as troubled as I am, I still can't get past the issue at the heart of this whole controversy, which is neatly summed up by the reporter thusly: "The team plays polo on bikes and needs a large, flat surface to play during the wintertime."

Do they really? Why can't the bike polo simply yield to the seasons like so many other recreational pursuits? I enjoy offroad riding and would like to be able to do it whenever I feel like it, but if weather conditions simply don't allow it that doesn't mean I'm justified in "slaying" a ride through a neighbor's yard or the nursery and gardening department at Home Depot.

The fact is that this arrest could be a good thing for the Milwaukee poloists in that it may serve as the impetus to find a legal indoor practice venue--or, failing that, encourage them to engage in other activities during the "off season" or when conditions are not favorable to bike polo. This is precisely how cyclocross was invented--bike racers needed a way to train in winter, and eventually a new sport was born. Varying your activities seasonally can not only make you a more complete athlete but can also be fun.

I should stress that I mean no disrespect to the poloists--I just don't want to see them fall victim to the same fate as the modern roadie. The roadie, too, refuses to adapt his behavior to the seasons. Rather than engaging in other types of cycling during the winter months, he instead either suffers out in the wind on a road bike when he could be enjoying himself in the woods on a mountain bike, or else sequesters himself inside where he obsesses over meaningless things like wattage or derailleur pulley drag:

This is called "cabin fever." One day you're compulsively spinning derailleur pulleys, and the next you're talking to a volleyball and roasting and eating your housepets.

Speaking of "cabin fever," even the most flexible and open-minded cyclist can fall victim to it when either severe weather or ill health conspires against riding, and while you might manage to avoid twiddling your derailleur or eating Fluffy you might still find yourself watching cycling-themed videos like "Pedaling: NYC." (You may recall the premier episode, a cockle-fueld romp entitled "Pizza Fixation.") Perhaps slightly cabin-addled myself, I recently noticed that the second episode had been released, and it's called "Roadies and Wafels."

I should say right off that "Roadies and Wafels" does not approach "Pizza Fixation" in terms of sheer outlandishness, so you shouldn't expect much. Instead of focusing on a group of urban dandies with little or no apparent cycling experience, this episode abandons the "fixie crew" and follows a pair of bike racers, and instead of opening with a Whole Foods shopping spree it begins with an only mildly silly gratuitous bike-fitting:

Riding a Specialized bicycle that has not been properly fitted to you by a trained dealer with the aid of a computer can lead to diminished pedaling efficiency, serious groin injury, and death.

Once fitted to their props, they hit some gratuitous pavé:

Please note that these are professional riders on a closed course. Attempting to ride on cobblestones without a properly-fitted Zertz-equipped Specialized bicycle can result in shattered teeth, serious groin injury, and death.

They then proceed to ride around the city, though unlike the "fixie crew" these racers exchange little dialogue apart from this diplomatic exchange:

"Do they still do the bike races in Central Park every Sunday morning?"

"I think so, yeah."

Though guarded due to the presence of the camera, any New York City bike racer knows what they really mean:

"Do those CRCA investment banker dorks still run the park?"

"Sadly, yes."

Then, there's the first taste of excitement when the filmmakers debut a new, never-before-seen verb:


After which the racers arrive at the waffle--or "wafel"--truck:

The wafelmeister, though affable, is not especially noteworthy, though he does have an exuberant waffle-proffering accomplice:


Then there's a waffle-making lesson:

And then that's pretty much it. As I said, it's a bit disappointing after the exploits of the "fixie crew," though there is a hint of promise during the credits when we catch a glimpse of this guy:

The heavy beard/heavy fleece/bare leg combo speaks of tremendous eating prowess, and I look forward to seeing what food item--and how much of it--he will consume. (He's also got a rear rack and pannier in the unlikely event that there are any leftovers.) Hopefully, this will tide me over until Episode 4, which (according to the episode guide) will see the triumphant return of the "fixie crew" after their near-fatal bout with cockle-borne food poisoning:

In the meantime, I gotta get out more.

Posted in: bicycle marketing,cycling