BSNYC Friday Culturally Biased Standardized Test!

With the weekend nigh, many of us are eagerly awaiting the opportunity to embark upon our preferred manner of "epic" cycling adventure. People on bouncy mountain bikes will venture into the wilderness, stand around in small groups for awhile, and occasionally ride over stuff. People on crabon-y road bikes will mount digital devices to their handlebars and pedal until numbers that quantify their mediocrity appear. People on fixed-gear bikes will wheel their bicycles outside, ride them for a few blocks, and then take photographs or videos of their latest upgrades. And people on recumbents will persist in looking like they're taking bubble baths and trying to work the hot and cold water knobs with their feet.

Whatever sort of cycling you do, you should of course go forth and enjoy. However, before you ride, you should always run through the League of American Bicyclists's pre-ride checklist, which you can remember by using the handy acronym "ANALRETENTIVE:"

A--Announce to every single person you know that you're taking a ride, so they can come look for you if you don't come back within a reasonable amount of time. If possible, provide them with a route map and cue sheet, or else carry a GPS Suppository, available now from the makers of RoadID.

N--Never always don't wear a helmet.

A--Make sure you have fresh air in your tires; if the air in your tires is more than 48 hours old be sure to deflate and replace.

L--Look at your bike and see if there's anything that should be upgraded. Important upgrades include: low spoke-count wheels, brittle crabon seatposts, and the latest bottom bracket interface (currently the "BBHumongous" integrated system).

R--Always be resplendent in a vibrantly-colored DayGlo jersey capable of burning out the retinas of anybody who is foolish enough to gaze upon it.

E--Eat a hearty breakfast.

T--Take a shower.

E--Evacuate your bowels. (Don't lose that suppository!)

N--Never, ever take off your helmet, even if you're on the toilet.

T--Take another shower, because you just "made."

I--Inspect the inside of every tube in your bicycle frame for the microscopic stress cracks that are liable to cause your frame to fail catastrophically on a fast descent.

V--Is for gratuitous mention of the word "vaginae."

E--Most importantly, enjoy your ride--if you can!

If you don't follow each and every one of these steps before every ride, it will be over even before it begins, as in this video which was forwarded to me by "Ant1:"

That's not how you want to start the weekend.

With that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a video that is as close to unwatchable as anything I've ever seen.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride uptight.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) The correct pronunciation of "Leopard Trek" is:

--"LAY-oh-pard Trek"

--"LEH-purd Trek"

--"LAY-eee-ooo-WOW-purd Trek"

--"LAY-lady-LAY LAY-across-muh-big-BRAAASSS-bed Trek"

2) Which of the following sentences is techically correct according to strict style guidelines put forth by the The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company?

--"The members of Team LEOPARD TREK have their hair styled at Jiffy Lube"

--"In terms of smarmy wardrobes, the new LEOPARD TREK team makes Mario Cipollini look like Alan Greenspan"

--"The team Leopard Trek presentation offered clues that the squad is underfunded, for they were unable to afford the services of artistic cycling great Serge Huercio, opting instead for his generic equivalent."

--The Team LEPPARD TRECK Team haves funny hair."

3) Which of the following does Beloved Cycles not list among the potential uses for its bicycles?

--"Gathering supplies and painting with hands on the road of happiness"
--"...singing a song ’til early dawn to see a duty through and through"
..."...complement[ing] this potential and greatness to come from the very legs that give it life"

--"Riding to work or the store"






4) The latest rationale for mandatory bike registration in NYC is:

--"...there seems to be a double standard when it comes to enforcing the traffic laws."
--"...people on bicycles scare the hell out of" senior citizens
--"...they're in Spandex or whatnot."
--All of the above

5) This LA cyclist is:

--Failing a sobriety test after a mass night-salmoning run

--Showing off his new shin guards

--Teaching a CHP officer how to trackstand on his motorcycle

--Playing imaginary soccer

("Cleanliness" is a social construct.)

6) In New York City coffee houses, filthy cycling caps are the new (hygienic food prep) hairnets.

--True
--False

("I'm saving up for a Best Made axe.")

7) In New York City coffee houses, Civil War hats are the new filthy cycling caps.

--True
--False

***Special Fitness-Themed Bonus Quesion***

How do you get abs like this?*

--Take Clenbuterol

--Hire Liz Hatch as your cycling coach

--Ride a "BallBike"

--Buy the hot new video, "Abs By NAHBS: Weld Your Way to Fitness"

*(Correct answer via Campione Cycles)

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