As everybody knows, this past week there has been much ado over the recent Sports Illustrated article containing the latest doping allegations against the only professional cyclist your co-workers have ever heard of (even if you happen to work at Sports Illustrated), Lance Armstrong. Reactions in the world of cyclesport have varied widely: Armstrong's detractors are saying, "Finally;" Armstrong himself is saying he will be vindicated; and the Schleck brothers are saying "LAY-oh-pard, LAY-oh-pard" over and over again while staring at themselves in the mirror. However, for thoughtful, rational, and even-handed analysis of the controversy, you won't find anything that can approach this sagacious video editorial:
There you have it--everybody who rides a bike is on crack. Presumably "The Real Mr. Nikbag a.k.a. Blogaholic" will repeat these stunning revelations when Jeff Novitzky calls him to testify in front of the grand jury.
Speaking of professional cyclists, a reader recently forwarded me a promotional email from Bicycling which promised to reveal their secrets, and the accompanying imagery featured none other than the omnipresent time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuwOEbzko60lwbFGFB0n7niMFzXU8ySCk4dK5bIAwQJRJvIOzKncQWMDuBp6YgvCaEtHBh-P2-eIkkIH8UBLUD1lGSABtNrDTMBozedh82OE5klWKQ1O0gslTGzCTpf0i3zZFcSdomk_k/s400/professional+cyclists_+secrets+revealed%2521.jpg)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHLoBxdCMGAmFrRqP5I2ajy-3IhZ63nwoDKDqPN1FcmwTxsXhLYqL2CrhinFBMJWOPcHXGpXynMFTtcKGRkTuWs4pj_fwfe_3f8O-zK1J2uP3KpJlmOVZTi4-epviRNPF0yud09YaPsC0/s400/California+Bicycle+Accident+Lawyer+%257C+California+Bike+Injury+Attorney.jpg)
Move over Liz Hatch, and make way for cycling's hot new female sex symbol:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO_BhBmCio0fqB_IbAq2kv7aWNBbI80_moNdIndzzF1MirBlOqllVDnxAo7WBzZPiHOGttLzQRvmwmlDLaITHNVWco1rsoHh1eV7JZLFVWx0f298rrM2BirOVMgIFA4hIXaZ3kT9IUkMs/s400/Bicycle+Accident+Lawyer.jpeg)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7pK9sh9k8djDssEL9BkloAOfmSqvcLuhMXu5JQbQnfPYj6B0r4ADZICDJuJwUQE6ZpK8NwHUcwvziGR1PejJNueYR3r1qXrsoo2o-6pLbdJIMeOKYltIjZV4bA1xdaQc6WAwfICR9lis/s400/California+Bicycle+Accident+Lawyer+%257C+California+Bike+Injury+Attorney+live+chat.jpg)
Speaking of unfortunate cycling accidents, by now everyone's seen the various promotional videos for that new IFC series "Portlandia," but this one is by far the best:
If you ever find yourself in this situation, be sure to contact the Reeves Law Group and see if you have a case against your body piercer.
1) Floyd Landis says doping should be:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQUVnEfInnOaiEuv5fvT8ScGiRTu2CICj52whGtyB_2UWqJ3HjqmGipKs6UZ0Ffmqu4TCfD8vnLk7r8Dn8188y5NxUJjMpd-P4FYqq6WM29PkPFL3w2NvTvcq1bUpNK3Dgl6YTCsrC6ko/s400/car+commercial.jpg)
2) "All You Bike Dorks Buy Our Cars!" Which car company is exploring the smugly condescending world of bicycle-friendly advertising?
3) What "advice" does this comedian have for cyclists?
--"Don't you see me? In my car? The thing that will rupture your spleen if I tap you with it?"
--"If I lose my temper, we're looking at involuntary manslaughter."
--"Get a hundred bucks a month together and lease a Honda. If you can't do that maybe you should move to Ho Chi Minh City."
--All of the above
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhylbHEdPo4Qs5jI2JjeTsvx1nO5Hc0MCxQPsdFeLSzNa546r90J0uzaT8XFxNo5GIsHskJudGBPxXlCOYod1HS4Ia4JuneoBpoK49IyczMTrHEoH6Cx56hrUlZkXP8mWPwWHmij1AfiYE/s400/OUTLIERBacardi.jpeg)
4) It's Outlier! It's red! It's made out of a secret fabric from WWII! It's _____!
If you ever find yourself in this situation, be sure to contact the Reeves Law Group and see if you have a case against your body piercer.
With that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the question, think, and click on your answer. If you're right then that's fan-freaking-tacular, and if you're wrong then you'll see a really fast wiener dog.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and always remember to ask a dachshund's permission before drafting behind it. Nobody likes an unannounced wienersucker.
--BSNYC/RTMS
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTIyvtAHuqNI1k_C95P6Lozxt-eM2U-zbpRv2JyWNM0PewsEw_JbZJHHovyA17BRzJtVXIzdcwF8v0851KcY04XKGXSWykCyxpHw0VCA6DrzdwajmwVtTQGtbu0NnhS8Dttg-mrVP4yVE/s400/610x.jpeg)
--Legal
--Illegal
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQUVnEfInnOaiEuv5fvT8ScGiRTu2CICj52whGtyB_2UWqJ3HjqmGipKs6UZ0Ffmqu4TCfD8vnLk7r8Dn8188y5NxUJjMpd-P4FYqq6WM29PkPFL3w2NvTvcq1bUpNK3Dgl6YTCsrC6ko/s400/car+commercial.jpg)
2) "All You Bike Dorks Buy Our Cars!" Which car company is exploring the smugly condescending world of bicycle-friendly advertising?
--Toyota
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVY3GgnIVMHxd_ui9QHx3x-3PGlIiIyK7OcbqvB4ZGi3M8xTg7VsspkSa_GHKYVnBw5EddySTNtELFyzv5Q58TXnoKSjZ67VBKiZkrqvNRw9uYbLRQTtB2LnBtbjPTmHiRHYYb9xX95zI/s400/fat+comedian.jpg)
--"Don't you see me? In my car? The thing that will rupture your spleen if I tap you with it?"
--"If I lose my temper, we're looking at involuntary manslaughter."
--"Get a hundred bucks a month together and lease a Honda. If you can't do that maybe you should move to Ho Chi Minh City."
--All of the above
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhylbHEdPo4Qs5jI2JjeTsvx1nO5Hc0MCxQPsdFeLSzNa546r90J0uzaT8XFxNo5GIsHskJudGBPxXlCOYod1HS4Ia4JuneoBpoK49IyczMTrHEoH6Cx56hrUlZkXP8mWPwWHmij1AfiYE/s400/OUTLIERBacardi.jpeg)
(Urban explorer discovers an unknown Starbucks completely unspoiled by civilization)
4) It's Outlier! It's red! It's made out of a secret fabric from WWII! It's _____!
--$650
6) Knuckle tattoos are out. _________tattoos are in.
--Nostril
--Eyeball
7) "NOBR AKES" is out. "ANTI LOCK" brakes are in.
--True
--False
***Special Cultural-Differences-In-Physical-Beauty-Themed Bonus Question***
Which is a prized physical attribute among Williamsburg hipsters?
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