BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Last Wednes Day, the day named in honor of St. Wednes, the patron saint of whatever and stuff, I mentioned that I think more bike company websites should tell you exactly how to use each one of their bike models. But then I realized something: bicycle companies don't really need to do this, because that's what the bicycle media is for. Consider Bicycling magazine, to which I contribute a column. Nobody can distill a bicycle to its essence like the editors of Bicycling. Consider, for example, their summary of the Electra Ticino 1. Wondering what this bike is for? Well, here's your answer:

WHO IT'S BEST FOR: People who get on their bikes to pick up a loaf of sourdough and wander home two hours later

So there you go. If you regularly get a hanking for sourdough bread, set out to buy some, and then suddenly black out and lose hours of time before eventually wandering home confused and disheveled with bits of hay in your hair, the Electra Ticino 1 is the bike for you. Of course, a leading cause of this sort of time loss is alien abduction, so if you pick up a Ticino the first thing you should do is upgrade the saddle to something more comfortable, since the stock one may be a bit too firm for your sensitive, freshly-probed posterior. Or, even better, ignore that inexplicable sourdough craving in the first place, because everybody knows that's how the aliens lure you.

Granted, not everybody who loses chunks of time is an alien abductee--some of them just have metal plates in their heads that don't play well with their household appliances:

Expect Electra to unveil a limited edition Ticino in a special "Cousin Eddie" colorway at this year's Interbike.

Speaking of unveiling, yesterday was the Team Leopard-Trek presentation, and the cycling world got its first look at what was without question the greatest assembly of "Euro hair" that modern civilization has ever seen:

(The scarves are so their hair gel doesn't drip down their shirts and into their underpants.)

At first when I heard all the hubbub about the Leopard presentation I thought Apple was just launching a new operating system, and so I ignored it. But then I realized that this was the new Andy and Frank Schleck team everybody has been talking about. Apparently, Andy Schleck himself came up with the name, though it was subsequently shortened from his very cumbersome "Leopard Attacking a Crocodile Because That Would Be Awesome:"

It would indeed, but there was no way it was going to fit on the tiny jerseys that will cover their spindly, emaciated pro cyclist bodies.

Sadly, I wasn't at the presentation because my invitation dissolved due to exposure to haircare products before it even left Luxembourg, but it does look like it was very exciting. For example, here's an unctuous Fabian Cancellara looking like one of the kids on "You Can't Do That On Television" after they've been "slimed:"

After being dogged by rumors, Cancellara finally admitted to using a Gruber Assist, though it turns out "Gruber" isn't an auxiliary bicycle motor at all but actually the name of his stylist:

(Euro-Hair Curatorial Artisan and Wardrobe Consultant Hans "Magic Hands" Gruber)

Nice assist, Gruber. Your client looks like he's been doing stunt double work for Bill Murray in "Ghostbusters."

Also, Leopard-Trek will, as you might have guessed, ride sweet Treks:

The Di2 electronic shifters will be retrofitted with special "Excuse-O-Matic" technology in the form of a button that will instantly throw the chain should Andy Schleck be unable to answer an attack.

However, Leopard-Trek have already received much criticism for their team kit, which is, admittedly, horrible:

It makes even Mario Cipollini's most flambullient skinsuit seem tasteful.

With that out of the way, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. Here are your instructions:

1) Consume the energy drink or brain tonic of your choice;

2) Study the item;

3) Consider the choices;

4) Click on the one you think is right;

5) Duck.

If it is actually right, leopards will roar and candycorns will rain from the sky. If it's wrong, you'll see this aqua-tandem hydrofoil freakout that was forwarded to me by a reader.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and for the love of Lob avoid sourdough!

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) This bike can be used for any of the following except:

--"Blasting around town."
--"Stashing behind your seat on the train."
--"Leaving other bike commuters in the dust."
--"Pursuing, pouncing upon, and devouring a crocodile or any member of the order Crocodilia."

(Tri dorks attempting to mount their expensive time trial bikes is sooo 2010.)

2) Fill in the blank: Triathlete bike mounting porn is out; _____________________ is in.

--Offroad recumbent porn

--Brompton folding porn

--Cyclocross remount porn

--Unicycle commuting porn

3) This advertisement appeared in the year:

--1989

--1998

--2001

--2010

4) “I am looking now for a bike that has a hybrid engine,” said Fabian Cancellara. “It’s better for the environment, because a battery is not good.”

--True

--False

(Always look for the Best Made "X:" Your assurance of douchery)

5) Great news for urban fops, faux woodsmen, and outdoor dandies! Bedazzled axe reseller Best Made Company now offers an $89 designer first aid kit for all the dumb hipsters who will inevitably chop off one of their own limbs.

--True

--False

(Fixed-gear spaceship trackstands over Williamsburg, Brooklyn in the year 2100)

6) In the future, all road bikes will have:

--Electronic shifting

--GPS

--Giant antenna-like cockpits

--Deadly lasers

***Special "Well, Somebody Had To Say It"-Themed Bonus Question***

What did they think?

--"Sweet! The 2011 Primal jerseys have dropped!"

--"It's like a deranged undead Betsy Ross cut up the worst jerseys from the '80s and stitched them together into one Fred-tastic über-jersey for the new millennium."

--"Who's the guy in the clown shirt?"

--All of the above

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