Working in Tandem: Love and Cycling

In many parts of the country, February is the bleakest month in terms of weather. However, for this reason it is also a time of hope during which the popular imagination turns to spring. For example, back on February 2nd we celebrated Groundhog Day, though there were conflicting prognostications: Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and declared six more weeks of winter; Staten Island Chuck said there would be an early spring; and Williamsburg Ethan (the "hipster" groundhog) was too hung over to get up at all and anyway he didn't have anywhere to be until like 5:30pm.

Once hairy things start going in and out of holes, it's only a matter of time before people start thinking about love, and on February 14th many couples will reenact Groundhog Day groinally in honor of the holiday known as Valentine's Day. Inevitably though, these expressions of love will be tainted by outside influences as foolhardy people attempt to incorporate their own interests into Valentine's Day instead of temporarily setting them aside and focusing on their partners. Cyclists especially have a tendency to do this, since many of us are unable to focus on anything besides bicycles for more than a few moments. Sometimes though, both members of a couple love cycling as much as they love each other--at least according to this recent post on the New York Times "Spokes" blog:

Here is the story of the happy couple pictured above:

In this case, it would appear that two people can live together in a blissful state of love and perpetual cycling. This makes me very happy, I wish them many joyful years together, and I have absolutely no issue with them. I do, however, have an issue with the Times and its description of the couple as "young, tattooed lovers." I'll take the their word for it that the couple is tattooed, but 30 is not young. I realize that our culture now grades youth on a curve, and that 30 is the new 20 and so forth, and that Williamsburg Ethan's parents do not expect him to "get serious" and pay his own rent until he's gotten that MFA he's been "pursuing" for the last eight years. But in the context of love, young still means young, and even in the 21st century "young love" is "Juno," not "Sideways." On top of that, the couple has been together for six years, so it's not even a young relationship. If mainstream media like the Times keeps pushing the physical definition of "young," before you know it "barely legal" porn will mean pictures of people making withdrawals from their Roth IRAs just a few days after the maturity date, and as "hot" as that may be from a financial standpoint it's not terribly arousing.

Of course, you can't talk about love and cycling without talking about tandems, and the Times also looks at another couple (at age 60, I guess they just missed the "young lovers" cutoff) for whom the tandem is a "mirror onto the relationship:"

This is absolutely true. Relationship warning signs you might encounter on a tandem ride are:

--Your partner pedals too fast;

--Your partner pedals too slow;

--Your partner is giving you "the finger;"

--You are alone on the tandem because your partner is in bed with somebody else;

--Your stoker is a sex doll.

I also agree that you can tell a lot about a couple by the way they share a tandem. For example, this couple both care deeply about the environment and only occasionally have mild disagreements about which items can be composted or who borrowed whose Native American beaded hair tie:

This couple have different feelings regarding recumbent versus upright bicycles, but they made it work:


And this couple is so in love they don't even need a tandem:

Ahh, young love.

Still, not everybody can ride together so successfully, and sometimes you've just got to set the bike aside and pay attention to something else. Even though I taunted "Bicycling" for going skiing yesterday, the truth is sometimes you've got to "switch it up" a little, and the well-rounded person can continue to enjoy life if circumstances make cycling difficult or impossible. For those that can't, though, there's always roller racing. I recently received a newsletter from "Rollapaluza," who were breathlessly excited over a drop-in from Mark Cavendish:

Roller racing is a unique area of cycling in that it seems to appeal to both uptight racers and the shants-and-wool-caps "bike culture" set, though to me watching people race without going anywhere is about as interesting as one of those water balloon games. I guess the reason roller racing works for these two disparate groups is that the only way to get "serious" racers into bars is to hold bike races in them, and the only way to get "bike culture" people to race is to hold the races in bars. ("It's OK to be in a bar as long as there's a race," the roadie tells himself, just like the porn-addicted homophobe tells himself it's OK to watch two penises touching as long as there's a vagina in the shot somewhere.) Marginally less boring than roller racing though certainly more ridiculous is underwater cycling, of which a couple of readers recently informed me:


It's interesting to note that, while people do some pretty dumb stuff on fixed-gears, when it comes to truly idiotic cycling endeavors the low-end mountain bike is almost always the vehicle of choice. In this sense I suppose it is the Rhesus monkey of the bicycle kingdom.

Speaking of the "bike culture," their appetite for overpriced designer u-lock holsters shows no signs of being sated anytime soon, and another reader recently forwarded this item to me:

Unfortunately, if you're in the market for an exotic fanny pack, or a hands-free purse, or the wallet equivalent of a colostomy bag, you're going to have to wait because this isn't available yet. You can, however, purchase this delightful frame bag:
I'm not sure what an "artisanal itch" is, but if you have one I recommend seeing a doctor--or if you're still snowed in, at least apply some Preparation H and resist the urge to scratch.

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Simplify: Less is Less

While we're only two stages and a prologue into the Tour de France, it saddens me to announce that I've already fallen way behind on my viewing like Tom Boonen fell back on stage one. With something like five hours of coverage a day on Versus I fail to see how it is possible to actually follow the Tour while still making time for other necessary activities such as working, eating, and even going to the bathroom. Really, you'd have to be unemployed and sitting on the couch wearing an adult diaper to watch it all.

Actually, I can now finally relate to Greg LeMond, who insists that as the EPO era began he was forced to watch lesser cyclists ride away from him. Similarly, I feel that it is now impossible to follow the Tour de France without chemical assistance, and so like Greg LeMond I'm going to make a sweeping accusation that anybody who can either follow or cover the Tour de France thoroughly is doing so with the aid of neuroenhancing drugs such as Adderall. Fithy dopers, all of them! Booze and Wednesday Weed is one thing, but Ritalin is something else. Frankly, I don't recognize the (coverage of the) sport anymore. These people have no conscience.

Still, there's always time for a short article designed to pick at scabs and inflame controversy, which is why I read this ESPN article:

"Particularly, particularly, particularly" monitoring the Tour rider who is arguably least likely to cheat is sort of like Mavic blaming a frame manufacturer for their shattered wheel. Actually, I think focussing excessively on a single rider like this may be a sign of neuroenhancer abuse. Meanwhile, I was interested to note that Armstrong himself is compiling the definitive list of Tour de France riders on Twitter. And since you don't need neuroenhancers to follow 140-character dispatches, I checked out a few of them. So far my favorite Tour de France Tweeter is Skil-Shimano rider Fumy Beppu, who Tweets in no less than three languages:

There really should be some kind of jersey for that, though given the truncated nature of Twitter it would probably be more of a triathlon crop top.

Another reason I find it difficult to follow the Tour de France closely is that there is so much cycling-related news and opinion closer to home. Furthermore, this news and opinion also has a much greater bearing on our lives as cyclists than the Tour de France does. Take for instance this New York Times op-ed, in which the author proposes the notion that Detroit could become "a new bicycle utopia:"

I was intrigued by the notion that Detroit may be making a play for Portland's status as America's cycling paradise. I'm sure many a Portlander will read this op-ed and scoff, but the truth is that it's all too easy to be undone by your own complacency. I would advise Portland to step up the frequency of its famous campy theme rides immediately. A quick glance at the headlines reveals that there's theme ride potential in many recent developments. For example, a Robert S. McNamara ride, an Obama visits Russia ride, or even a Kevin Jonas of the Jonas brothers engagement ride would be sure to bring Portland's cyclists out in droves, though I suppose these rides might conflict with their rigorous vegan Tour de France viewing party schedules.

Another interesting point raised in this op-ed is the idea that the collapse of the American auto industry is creating a void in some areas which the bicycle may be poised to fill. Regardless of how you feel about automobiles, it's hard to ignore the fact that the auto industry both here and abroad has "jumped the wolf" or "urinated on the turtle" in a number of ways. For example, as I was eating my usual breakfast of Korean Froot Loops this morning (I only eat overseas versions of American cereals--it's important to keep your diet rich in both iron and irony), a commercial for the new Mercedes E-Class came on the television. Since I'm not in the market for a German luxury car I wasn't really paying attention--that is until the announcer mentioned some feature which somehow senses when the driver is falling asleep and then wakes them up.

I wasn't sure I'd heard that right, so I went to my favorite source for all things automotive: Gaywheels.com. You can infer from that whatever you'd like, but the fact is that information knows no sexual orientation, and gay or straight you've got to acknowledge the expertise of Gaywheels contributor, Cocoa Efficient:

Actually, I'd never heard of Miss Cocoa Efficient before visiting Gaywheels.com, but I'm guessing she's the Brock Yates for people who prefer "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar" to "The Cannonball Run" when it comes to their road movies.

Anyway, Gaywheels.com indeed confirms that the new Mercedes E-Class wakes you up when you start to nod off:
Yes, the E-Class actually "observes 70 different data points" to figure out if you're falling asleep. I'd love to know what those data points are. "Drooling? Check. Rapid Eye Movement? Check. Semi-erection? Check. Sound the alarm!" Hopefully all 70 datapoints must be satisfied before the alarm goes off, though, since I'm sure the average Mercedes owner will often either drool or exhibit a semi-erection when admiring his reflection in a storefront window while waiting at a red light, and a booming German voice shouting "Achtung!" (with accompanying video, since there's also a "visual" reminder) would be quite embarrassing. Also, it's interesting that the alarm also sounds when you text. I guess that means we've officially reached the point where texting is considered an involuntary activity and we can no longer be held responsible for doing it.

Now, I have nothing against cars. Actually, I like cars. They can be useful and fun. Unfortunately, the problem is that many people who operate cars don't realize they're operating machines, and this is because cars have become so coddling that operating one requires only slightly more effort than watching the Tour de France on your sofa in a state of semi-consciousness while wearing a pair of adult diapers. Yes, the roads are full of bloated vehicles driven by people who need interior microclimates and crow's nest vantage points and nine airbags and DVD players to distract their kids and 70-point monitoring systems to keep them awake. Meanwhile, some people think the answer is more efficient cars or alternative energy sources. I strongly disagree. The answer is legislation requiring that all cars have manual transmissions, no airbags, and carbeurated, air-cooled engines with no more than 1500cc displacement. That way, people would actually need to know how to drive, and they'd also have to pay attention to what they were doing. The ban on automatic transmissions alone would probably take roughly half the drivers in the United States off the road.

Meanwhile, I'm surprised that more automobile manufacturers have not attempted to harness the awesome power of bicycles to market their cars lately. Sure, you see bikes in car ads now and again, but it's nothing like the '90s, when the mountain bike was king and you could buy a Jetta that came with a Trek:


Frankly, I'm surprised we haven't seen this yet in the fixed-gear era. A Mini Cooper that comes with a Langster seems like an obvious sales gimmick.

On the other hand, the world of fashion is all over the cycling trend. A reader recently forwarded this coverage of the Louis Vuitton Spring 2010 collection, which indicates that bike messengers were a major source of inspiration:

Bicycle messengers everywhere are no doubt trying to decide which is more offensive: the implication that they are "over inked meth heads with bad hair," or the idea that they are "gentlemen butterflies." I'd wager that most messengers like to exist somewhere in the middle of this absurd spectrum, and that they prefer to think of themselves the way the media usually portrays them, which is as "outlaws" with fashion sense. In any case, while bike messengers may ostensibly have been the inspiration behind these clothes, it's pretty hard to see that here:

There's really nothing about this outfit that suggests the wearer delivers packages by bicycle. If anything, it looks like something you'd put on to review a convertible for Gaywheels.com.

Equally non-messengery is this look:

Though if I had to imagine him on a bicycle, it would be this hipster touring bike, forwarded by another reader:

To complete the handlebar clutter, he should install this on-board speaker system, forwarded by yet another reader:



Yes, sadly some cyclists like to take the auto industry approach and load their bikes with creature comforts. Thankfully, though, not everybody wants to be coddled, and some people still reject the "more is better approach:"


Well, at least as far as cars are concerned.

(Hopper's ride.)

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